My mind in a trap

Well here i am again today thinking about Shaunessy. I swear to god she is all thats on my mind all day and night. I wonder when i will get a break lol. I really dont want a break but i want to be with her all the time. I just dont know thought what it would be like if i was with her 24/7/365 sometimer 366. I know right now i want to be with her but when it comes down to it what will it be like???? Hmmmmm... taking 2 wild guesses. One...... All it will be is arguments and sex......Two.... What i really want for the rest of my life and hers. When i first met Shaun i was young and i liked her back then.... But as a young person i was shy and.....well you get the idea dont you. As i grew up i was friends with her and then it got serious. But before then she pissed me off a couple of times for calling all the time. Now that we are going out i have to beg her to call me. I just love to hear her lovely voice and feel her soft skin. I wish i could all day. I also dont think that i could get mad at her for anything...... and i really mean that. I wish i never did ever get mad at her. I wish i coulda sheltered her from what i can be. which is a monster when you piss me off(i cant be really really inconsiderate.) But most of all i want to shelter her not from my anger(which i think i have a problem with but not so much right now) but from what is going on in her life at present. I wish she would open up to me so i could help her heal cause i know i could. I wish she would trust me enought to talk about her feelings with me (i am a trustworthy person after all..... hey you hear about bob from canada... you will have to keep it a secret thought cause im not supposed to tell anyone.) I am an open person with an Open mind. I am a great listiner and i have went throught or can go throught what is happening. There isn't much i cant relate to.

Other then that sports fans, i will probably get expelled tomorow as i am going to confront someone that pissed me off for the last time. He is from Texas and he knows who he is. I know i might not have been great to him but...well thats the way i was brought up and....well he needed to be toughned up. Like how can a person show up at your house at 11 at night and ask you if you have any pot in front of your father... come on.... then when you say your buisy say aight. Then the next day get all moody on your ass and say your a dick for not helping them get to a certain place. WTF am i a Fucking Taxi. This person has changed and not for the better he has become something that i created but cant controle and i will have to punish myself as i have to try to make him realize what he has done. His life isnt perfect, mine isnt either. But do you see me at 11 o'clock asking you for a drive anywere by just showing up at your door..... I THINK NOT. This has gotta stop. Use and abuse is my worst problem and that has changed people. I tru to stop doing it but it just happens.
Shaun im sorry if i have been doing this to you but well....... i know its my problem and i need help to stop it. I dont abuse physically thought i might leve a bruse from a friendly punch, i abuse mentally. IM SORRY TO ALL THOSE THAT I HAVE HURT THIS WAY. It is just my means for survival. Now that Shaunessy is in my life i hope that will change as i notice i have stoped doing that alot and now only do it occasionally. Thought occasionally is still to often. I LOVE YOU SHAUN and i want to spend my life with you. But i will only be happy if you forgive me for any transgressions i have made in the past. Im strong on the outside but as to keep up other people(one good thing about mental abuse is i can use it for good too.) But on the inside i am hurting more then anyone else i know. Physical and mental pain from others is nothing compared to teh mental pain i put myself throught, My mind is that of someone who has lived a full life while my body is that of a fit 25 year old. At 17 i dont think i should know all the horrors in life as well as taking part in them. I am a killer on the inside, give me a gun and i will shoot. No Questions Asked. No remorse i will have for those who hurt me or my family, friends, or Shaun. During Before or after. Nothing will calm my soul untill all have been avenged by the maiming of those involved or the death. I wish i could write happier thoughts but this is the way i am. My mind is like a trap, you gotta watch what you step on. Hopefully its not on my bad side.